Re: Jokes & Funny Stories

[Mach]

ouch

[Schumacat]

This is how to tell a joke .....

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[RaySinKa]

No Joke?

John Black, defeated Member of Parliament for Midshire West, has a few words of advice for his successor.

Dear Justin

You mentioned at the count last Thursday that you would appreciate it if I would pass on to you any unfinished casework so that you could get going on helping your new constituents straight away.

Most of the cases are self-explanatory but I hope you will find the background information on the following helpful.

I believe you met Mrs Osborne (43 Cleve Close) during the campaign.

She rang to tell me that you were a nice young man and that, since I had done nothing for her, she would be voting for you.

I have shredded everything before 2005; (the help with a hip replacement; £12,000 compensation from her bank and the resolution of a disagreement with the stair lift installers) and left only the ongoing issues.

If the new government extends pension credits, as she tells me it will, I am sure you will be able to get one for her.

If not, you may be more successful than I in convincing her that, with rental income from four houses, plus a holiday villa in Spain, she is not among the poorer pensioners the credits were intended to help.

Mr Harman (27 Crocombe Crescent) may be more difficult. He wants to know the whereabouts of his wife's mother, who owes him £57.

She emigrated to the US in 1984 and Mrs Harman says she died there in 1990 (and that they all went to her funeral).

I am glad to say that when Mr Harman wrote to the Speaker, the prime minister and the Queen to complain about my negligence in not accompanying him to the US to help him search, no action against me was thought appropriate. The £57 debt, however, is still causing him concern which he will want to share with you.

I know you have taken a strong stand against anti-social behaviour, so will be anxious to help Mrs Clegg (113 Dulverton Drive) who complains (often) about noise from her upstairs neighbour, Mr Brown.

He has laid thick carpet and listens to his music on headphones but he does walk around his flat on occasions, flushes the toilet when necessary and opens and closes his front door when he goes out to work. Mrs Clegg believes the council's noise monitoring equipment is faulty.

I expect Mr Clarke (12 Watchet Walk) will have been in touch already. I was successful in persuading his car manufacturer to install a new camshaft free of charge, despite the car being out of guarantee, but failed to get the change in the law that he wanted (manufacturers being obliged to replace all camshafts every two years free of charge).

All the other legislation he believes necessary is listed in a separate section and if you get the chance to propose a Private Member's Bill, it will be a rich source of ideas for you.

Briefly, (as the van to collect my files has just arrived) we have:

1. Mrs Cameron - upstairs neighbour spies at her through holes in the floor, which have not been found, despite careful searching. However, Mrs Cameron (and her budgie) can both see the neighbour's eyeball.

2. Mr May (57) wants visa for his wife (22).

UK authorities reluctant because neither speaks the other's language and they have met only once for the wedding.

3. Mrs Johnson son wrongly imprisoned for attacking a shop-keeper. Though "no angel", Jason was "only playing" and the CCTV footage of him hitting the man over the head with a baseball bat must be a fake as Jason does not play baseball.

No more time now, I'm off to the travel agent to book a trip to Australia to visit my son and grandchildren. I shall, of course, be very interested to hear of your success in solving all the problems which I, so dismally, failed to do.

Yours sincerely

John Black (former MP)

(As dictated to Rosemary Chamberlin).

[Zag]

[revngo]

Lol I just read this on a photography forum

Oxo are releasing a new white oxo cube with a red cross through it in celebration of our wonderful country's (England) achievements in the World Cup. It is to be called The Laughing Stock!

[RaySinKa]

Lol I just read this on a photography forum

Oxo are releasing a new white oxo cube with a red cross through it in celebration of our wonderful country's (England) achievements in the World Cup. It is to be called The Laughing Stock!

Very good Revngo, I see that filling a few mail servers later today

Ray

[RaySinKa]

A Short Love Affair

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow! That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own f***ing blanket.”

After a moment of silence…













…he farted.

[RaySinKa]

Lol I just read this on a photography forum

Oxo are releasing a new white oxo cube with a red cross through it in celebration of our wonderful country's (England) achievements in the World Cup. It is to be called The Laughing Stock!

Also...

The England badge showing three lions is to be replaced with one showing three used tampons...



















...to reflect the worst period in the country's footballing history

Ray

[revngo]

Lol I just read this on a photography forum

Oxo are releasing a new white oxo cube with a red cross through it in celebration of our wonderful country's (England) achievements in the World Cup. It is to be called The Laughing Stock!

Also...

The England badge showing three lions is to be replaced with one showing three used tampons...
























...to reflect the worst period in the country's footballing history

Ray

ROFL

[RaySinKa]

ROFL

I was going to post another 23 jokes...










...but I'm waiting for them to land at Heathrow later

Ray

[revngo]

Haha ....... good one Ray

[Reignman]

Watching the Germany - England game with his wife, Franck Ribery wanted to explain her some concepts after seeing Lampard's goal not being called.

"Did you see that? It's just like what happened to me with Zahia. you shoot it inside, but it doesn't count"

If you don't know about the "Zahia thing" here

[revngo]

[Mach]

An old woman visits her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.


"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.


"Not a chance," says the old woman: "He won't even take an aspirin."


"Not a problem," replies the doctor: "You've heard of Irish coffee, right?”


"Yes," replies the woman.


"Well," says the doctor: "make him an Irish coffee and slip Viagra into it. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."


A few days later she calls the doctor and the poor dear exclaims: "Oh, faith! It was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"


"Really? What happened?" asks the doctor.


"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"


"Why was it so terrible?" asks the doctor confused: "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"


"Oh, no, no, no, doctor. It was the best sex I've had in 25 years!" says the old woman: "but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."

[RaySinKa]

Very good Mach

Ray

[clovnul]

James Hetfield, Saturday: 'Budap.........est'

The concert was in Bucharest.

[MissFinn]

Loving them all.
Keep em coming...

[revngo]

Turner Brown
One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the lift in his hotel and just as the
doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the
Biggest Black Man he had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't
believe his eyes!

He stared at the man who gently smiled back at him, then this man said in a
big booming voice. :Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches,
testicles a half a pound each! 'TURNER BROWN'!

Paddy fainted! and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man
standing over him.

'I'm Sorry' The man said, It's just that I am always asked for my vital
statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!
I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls
weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!

'Sweet Jesus Christ, thank the Lord!!' Paddy said, 'I thought you said
" Turn around "

[Mach]

Turner Brown
One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the lift in his hotel and just as the
doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the
Biggest Black Man he had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't
believe his eyes!

He stared at the man who gently smiled back at him, then this man said in a
big booming voice. :Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches,
testicles a half a pound each! 'TURNER BROWN'!

Paddy fainted! and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man
standing over him.

'I'm Sorry' The man said, It's just that I am always asked for my vital
statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!
I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls
weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!

'Sweet Jesus Christ, thank the Lord!!' Paddy said, 'I thought you said
" Turn around "

[Mach]

Very good Mach

Ray

I thought you'd like it.....being a Starbucks fan

[lightmas]

Turner Brown
One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the lift in his hotel and just as the
doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the
Biggest Black Man he had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't
believe his eyes!

He stared at the man who gently smiled back at him, then this man said in a
big booming voice. :Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches,
testicles a half a pound each! 'TURNER BROWN'!

Paddy fainted! and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man
standing over him.

'I'm Sorry' The man said, It's just that I am always asked for my vital
statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!
I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls
weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!

'Sweet Jesus Christ, thank the Lord!!' Paddy said, 'I thought you said
" Turn around "

[RaySinKa]

Very good Mach

Ray

I thought you'd like it.....being a Starbucks fan

So did the staff in the branch, there is a copy on the community notice board

Ray

[Mach]

Very good Mach

Ray

I thought you'd like it.....being a Starbucks fan

So did the staff in the branch, there is a copy on the community notice board

Ray

WHAT??? You pinned it up

[RaySinKa]

Very good Mach

Ray

I thought you'd like it.....being a Starbucks fan

So did the staff in the branch, there is a copy on the community notice board

Ray

WHAT??? You pinned it up

Of course

Ray

[Schuy1]

..... Six Affairs:

The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this..
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison do it's work.