Re: Jokes & Funny Stories

[RaySinKa]

Apparently Chris Huhne's ex wife is replacing John Terry as England captain, as she is better at taking penalties.

A very British joke with our current sport & Political news.

Ray

[Mach]

BTW, what's the history regarding John Terry being stripped as England's captain for Euro-Cup? Toronto news last night didn't get into any detail.

[Zag]

He is due to stand trial in July over racial abuse allegations after an incident with QPR's Anton Ferdinand.

Like most UK footballers he is a brainless oaf.....

[Mach]

Got it...thanks. I recall the racial slur indecent. Like all UK news we receive in Toronto...they're just sound-bite headlines without all the detail...unless you look it up on Google...which I'm too lazy to do these days as I'm in Superbowl mode

[Mach]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Schuy1]

Little Johnny .....

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye....... After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving you know at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"

... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'

Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me" !

[RaySinKa]

Whitney Houston is dead! After a long career, it's rumoured she went out on a high!

The bad jokes are flooding in, I must have very sick friends!

Her next film is entitled "The Bodybag"

Q: What did Whitney Houston and Apollo 13 have in common?
A: A major crack problem!

Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in fourteen years.

Slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at six grams in fourteen minutes.

[Mach]

[RaySinKa]

Mum is cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asks her husband;

"What do I do?"

Hubby;

"I'm not sure, but I wouldn't spank him"

[RaySinKa]

An old lady is walking her beloved little dog by the river oneday when the animal stumbles and plunges into the water.
Luckily a passing German tourist jumps in to save the dog.

After he clambers out the water he looks the dog up and down beforemhanding it back to the old lady.

German : "Ze dog vill be fine"

Old lady : "Thank you young man - are you a vet?"

German : "Vet? - I'm fucking soaking!!!!!"

[Panda]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a Passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's Face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[RaySinKa]

Did you hear about the bloke who collected Joan of Arc, Wonder Woman and Florence Nightingale memorabilia?

Turns out he was a Heroine addict.

[RaySinKa]

First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston.

Columbia has a tough financial year ahead!!

[RaySinKa]

Advert : See the Muppets at any cinema for only £7.50.

Arsenal fan ; "Well it would make a change from paying £50 to see them play at the Emirates."

[RaySinKa]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[Mach]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[Schumacat]

@mach, you are repeating a joke that was posted just a few weeks ago in this same thread .

[Mach]

Weeelllll...lets pretend I hit the "Quote" button on the prior post and never put in a comment

[RaySinKa]

A man was relaxing in bed with his gorgeous new girlfriend, after having sex she spent the next hour only touching his balls, something she loved doing for a very long time.

Enjoying it he asks, "why do you love doing that so much sweetheart?"

She answers, "I really miss mine ever since I had the surgery."

[RaySinKa]

Paddy is painting his lounge and is suprisingly making a good job of it but is sweating like a pig, he is dripping with sweat!

"Why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka?" asks his wife.

"Because on the tin it says - for best results put on two coats."

[Mach]

A man was relaxing in bed with his gorgeous new girlfriend, after having sex she spent the next hour only touching his balls, something she loved doing for a very long time.

Enjoying it he asks, "why do you love doing that so much sweetheart?"

She answers, "I really miss mine ever since I had the surgery."

Every mans worse nightmare is to experience either of the "situations" in the joke

[Mach]

Why...?
- Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
- Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
- Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Why do people say, "you’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
- Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
- Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
- Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you’re standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn’t you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
- Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t be more fun to
eat a big one?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it’s only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where’s that extra penny going too ?
- Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
- Why is it called ’after dark’, when it is really after light?

[RaySinKa]

Amusing but silly exam answers;













Ray

[Mach]

Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

---

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

---

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

---

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

---

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

---

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

---

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

---

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

---

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

---

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

---

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

---

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

---

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

---

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[RaySinKa]

Nice Mach, I've not read them for ages but they still make me smile.

Especially;

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

the other version is;

it's only a twin engined plane!